Here comes the bridesmaid (STOMP STOMP STOMP)
Posted by Gigi on June 3, 2007 · Leave a Comment
As the weather grows warmer and warmer, the panic begins to set in that soon I will no longer be able to hide the sins of lingering pregnancy weight with things like over sized sweaters, and black leggings and high boots. That slimming little combo has hepled me delude countless friends and family into believing I HAVE lost all my pregnancy weight and that I look great for someone that has been pregnant so recently. (Ps – how long do you get to call it pregnancy weight for? When do I own this mess?)
The truth is, I have the wrong friends for my dress size. I know we are supposed to love our girlfriends unconditionally but truthfully, I hate those skinny bitches. Okay, I am kidding, but really their bodies are all wrong for my self-esteem. Of all of my college and early career friends I am one of the very few that are married, I am the ONLY one that has yet to have children. (Let alone a litter of them). This means, sadly, I am still trying to keep up with a crowd that believes a size 6 is …..HUGE. (No seriously its not their fault – they have been brainwashed by things like billboards in Time Square and US Weekly and Nicole Richie.)
So with this in mind, you can imagine my joy when one of them announces they are getting married and oh goody for me, I get to be in the wedding and stand next to ALL OF THEM IN PICTURES. Let’s talk a look at that pic shall we? Size 0, Size 00, Size 2, Size 00 (-10), Size 2 and then……….ME. Yeah cause it is seriously flattering and highly exciting to be wearing a fuschia cocktail length gown, standing next to chicks that are so damn skinny if they swallowed a grape you would probably SEE it through the dress. I am seriously considering accessorizing my gown with a button like (I had kids they didn’t) or permanently attaching one of the twins to me so everyone can see for themselves there is reason for my larger size. You can tell me – would it be wrong to be actually breastfeeding one of the babies as I walk down the aisle? Too subtle? Not enough to drive the point home?
So the wedding is in three weeks. Pale Mint. I know so flattering – really thrilled about it. Even more thrilled about the other three bridesmaids that told me at the shower they REALLY need to loose weight before the photographer captures their image. (I guess they are going for completely invisible.) I, of course, did the whole “OMG you are so skinny you totally don’t have to” as is stated in my girlfriend contract, and then I of course, totally agreed I had to do the same.
Then I went home and ate the rest of my kid’s french fries to make myself feel better. Then I cried. (And ordered the button in a color that will compliment my mint dress perfectly).
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