A Mother’s National Holiday

Today is November 1, 2009 and it of course marks the first day of a little something I like to call “The time for the greatest sentence in the English language for anyone attempting to raise (discipline, bribe, etc.)  a child.”

Now that Halloween is behind us,  mothers across the country will begin looking to the upcoming holiday season and can officially begin using our favorite phrases. One of the very few weapons we have in our arsenal of parenthood. Three magic little words that can transform a tantrum, a misbehaving lunatic into a wide eyed, fearful little angel.  Words that have been spoken for generations with a promise of results……..Those magical three little words…(Say it with me now…)

“Santa is watching.”

THIS ladies, is why we are beginning what is known as the” most wonderful time of the year.”

Mommy Profile #1: “The Doer”

“The Doer”

Favorite line: “I am sooooo busy.” (But said in a way that implies: “I am busier than you. I am so much smarter than you because I kept my corporate career. You have to be a drooling comatose fool to take care of your own kids and not have a “real job”)

Favorite look: Totally inappropriate work clothes at play dates to remind you – SHE is WORKING DAMN IT.

She is great mother because : Her kid never eats ANY sugar, watches TV, plays with anything non-organic, plays in grass for fear of ticks, or even worse GRASS STAINS on her precious pumpkin’s cashmere cardigans. She of course has READ EVERYTHING about parenting and has made a TON of rules YOU should follow. (Of course she has all the time, energy and ability to do this because…..(drum roll)… She is sitting behind her cushy desk as her au pair (who by the way speaks 4 languages, was a trained chef in her native Germany, and of course, is teaching the kids how to play the violin and flute just for fun!!) is taking care of her kids.

Why you continue to be friends with her: You want to be there when her son is arrested or her daughter is caught naked on the internet. Not that you wish these things but she makes you feel like your kids’ potential for success, are equivalent to the chimps at the zoo, and frankly you know parents with “all the answers that take the least responsibility” have the most messed up kids. Besides who else will you borrow “real clothes” from those two nights of the year you go out to a restaurant that does not feature chicken nuggets and french fries with free balloon!?

Mommy Profile #2: “The Martha Stewart Mother”

Favorite Line: “ I would love to go to the Park but I am trying to make sure all the arts and crafts, recipes, and educational program reflects the theme I have created for my children’s play today.”

Favorite Look: Her outfits (and of course her children’s) are never the exact match but just HAPPEN to coordinate perfectly. You can find her in the Gap – getting coordinates for the whole family.

She is great mother because: She grew organic vegetables in her garden, and pureed them for the first 2 years of her children’s life. She has never left them for more than one hour (and only with her mother) and the baby books she has made have novels of inspiration moments and over 5000 pictures capturing those special moments of the first year alone.

Why you remain friends with her: When your kids aren’t reading by the age seven and are waaay behind on their French at age 5 you can be sure she is the one to call for tutoring services. Plus when your ped is unavailable, she knows , by heart, the proper dosage of any over OTC medication, and is a better reference than catalogs as to when Children’s Place Gymboree, and Old Navy runs their sales. In fact, you NEED her because she is the mother you wish you could be, and every once in a while she inspires you to you know..make crafts or some crap like that.

Mommy Profile #3: The Worrier

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Mommy Profile #4: “The Worrier

Her favorite Line “Oh my God I am so worried”. No matter what the problem – be it a splinter or cancer this Mommy is always on the verge of breakdown and rushing to get no where. She worries that a little scab is the start of a flesh eating bacteria, she will NEVER get all the errands done in one day, and the dwindling economy is a sign of the end of the world. Although always in a panic that is no excuse to let her appearance suffer – after all she worries about what people would think too. While she is busy making her self look good, she is also ready to be involved in the classroom, has her kids at hundreds of activities, and is just worried it is not enough.

Her favorite look: Talbots, Ann Taylor, and J. Crew dominate her wardrobe – she is too worried about what people would think if her clothes were trendy, and too worried about money to buy anything more expensive.

She is great mother because: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING escapes her attention. Her children will never develop pneumonia or have an undetected disease because they are at the doctor any sign of illness. She will also be class mother (so you don’t have to) and be happy to discuss what your son’s diaper rash looks like for hours and hours. In fact, she still be worrying about it, even after you.

Why you remain friends with her: Are you kidding me!? She is the 800 hotline every mother wishes for. You can call her day or night, and no matter how insane your worry would seem to a normal person she is right there with you. She can google “fungal infection” and all relevant results within 7.2 seconds flat. Your husband may be telling you you are insane to think that a birthmark that has been there for 5 years is the start of skin cancer but she sees your point and is with you a 150%. She is happy to worry with you, provide a list of specialist in your area, and is happy to take your call at anytime – because it is just a break from whatever she was just worrying about.

Mommy Profile #4: The Downer

Mommy Profile #4: The Downer

Her favorite line : “You think that is bad wait til you hear about what happened to ME.” And the ever popular “You’ll see.” Happy about something? Oh no no. Don’t get excited and she is about to tell you why….

Her favorite look: What, do clothes matter? Why wear make up? Why do your hair? You are just going to get old and fat if you aren’t already. She doesn’t even bother now that she is “too old to care”. Your husband is going to have an affair anyway so why even try….(sigh)…..

She is a great mother because: She makes you feel like you are the happiest most easy going mother on the planet. Her children are set because with everything being so pointless, the bar is set low. So low it is silly.

Why you stay friends with her: Sometimes you are not really sure because she is so draining, but every once in a while you see a glimpse of sunshine and feel like a moth to a flame. Her praise actually means so much (because it is so rare) you continue to strive for just ONE more compliment.

Are you Making a Mockery of Parenthood?

Ok …. so we’ve been making a mockery of motherhood at Gigi’s Crib for a few years now, and I thought it was interesting to read that the New York Times is just finally now reporting on a trend away from being a Helicopter Mommy!

Apparently, people are beginning to understand that trusting our instincts and intuition is not such a bad thing when it comes to raising our children. That we don’t have to compete with the Joneses and show off what a perfect parent we are.  We can be nurses, marketing managers, designers, doctors, wives or whatever first and then mothers. We don’t have to wear motherhood like a crown/identity everywhere we go. It’s OK to be YOU!

You are not a bad mother if you don’t give your children violin lessons, Michael Douglas’ nanny, private kindergarten, private French lessons, 4 home-cooked meals per day plus a special snack, or whatever it is you think you need to give them.

The current revolution in parenting seems to shy away from smothering your children.

I wonder how long this trend will last and what the next will be?

What do you think? What is your parenting style?

Little Bill

Little Bill is………….

So being the complete disaster I am, my kids have been spending a lot more time with the television. Seriously, I am starting to have favorites on Noggin, and Disney – I used to not even know half the shows people were talking about at the park. Now I can tell you what time they are on, the main charectars, what their main issues are, and the basic story line to most of the shows.

Frankly, we are getting hosed. First of all, I have no idea how this is possible but I think these companies only make five episodes for each program. I don’t now who these executives think they are messing with. They are pushing it just putting on the same episode at 3 pm that they did at 11 am (What!? They think it is impossible the same kids are still watching 4 hours later!?) but they replay the same episodes over and over. Little Bill has 6 episodes.Seriously, I can name them:

1.Little Bill’s neighboor moves and he gets all bent out of shape
2. Little Bill runs away because he doesn’t want to take a nap.
3. Little Bill has a new friend at school he shows around.
4. Little Bill is sick and he can’t go to the baseball game.
5. Little Bill meets the kid with cerebral palsy and learns about a wheelchair.
6. Little Bill learns about Martin Luther King day with Alice the Great

Seriously, if anyone can tell me ONE OTHER EPISODE I will pay you a trillion dollars. Okay, I will probably just
say “Hey good job, you are an even bigger loser than I am” but isn’t that all really the same thing?!