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A Mother’s National Holiday
November 1st, 2009
Today is November 1, 2009 and it of course marks the first day of a little something I like to call “The time for the greatest sentence in the English language for anyone attempting to raise (discipline, bribe, etc.) a child.”
Now that Halloween is behind us, mothers across the country will begin looking to the upcoming holiday season and can officially begin using our favorite phrases. One of the very few weapons we have in our arsenal of parenthood. Three magic little words that can transform a tantrum, a misbehaving lunatic into a wide eyed, fearful little angel. Words that have been spoken for generations with a promise of results……..Those magical three little words…(Say it with me now…)
“Santa is watching.”
THIS ladies, is why we are beginning what is known as the” most wonderful time of the year.”
What is wrong with me?
October 30th, 2009
What do you think is wrong with me that instead of sending in some perfectly respectable ShopRite Cupcakes to a room full of 5 year old children, I feel the need to bake, a THREE layer cake, with coordinating icing, and figures made from fondant. Clearly, the scariest part of my Halloween is the amount of therapy I need.
Ps – Do you think this was what they had in mind when they requested “healthy” snack!? Come on people…it’s freakin Hallowween. Somehow spiders and ghosts made of hummus seemed a bit silly.
Pumpkin Carving & Marriage
October 22nd, 2009
See, I probably should be thrilled that the father of my children was willing to carve a pumpkin and get involved with the family decorating event…but really all I can think about is given my personality, and my general ability to drive the man insane, is him having such impeccable carving skills cause for concern?
Maggots…my pride & joy
October 16th, 2009
Sure, I went to college and graduated with honors. Yes, I was very successful at a corporate job – and as we all know delight in my bringing in to this world, four beautiful children. BUT even with all of that considered, I present to you….my greatest achievement…….the creation of Maggots.
Okay well not real maggots but since I am now the mother of three boys, I feel it is my duty to be cool with gross stuff, so I decided to make a ghoulish lab in the foyer. My favorite addition came from just a few little things I had around the house….so proud, so proud.
Elbow macaroni + corn syrup + red food dye = maggots soaking in blood.
Your welcome.
Quick Honey Take a Picture of My Sexy Pregnant Ass
August 6th, 2009While the Japanese may be ahead of us in many areas of electronics, cars, special effects and perhaps even weapons development, they are …I am going to with centuries upon centuries behind…um like the rest of the world if taking naked pictures of women while pregnant is a “new trend.” I recently read this article that discusses the new trend of photographing pregnant women in the nude. While some people say this came into vogue when Demi Moore did it, I am going to say Europeans have been painting women since the Renasaaicnce ages with all body shapes – some with big big curves, some that are just fat and some that were pregnant. We are really kidding ourselves if we think Britney Spears or Ms. Moore started this trend.
But putting who “did it first” aside, I have to ask you, my friends….Really?! I know, I know. Pregnancy is sexy. Pregnancy is beautiful. Pregnancy is natural. Pregnancy is…blah blah blah. Sure those pictures when you are 18 weeks and you looked like you swallowed a little basketball may be all well and cute and good (provided of course you are still working out with your trainer, still don’t eat carbs, and are a celebrity with a great personal shopper), but by 35 weeks (okay okay 28 weeks) I was feeling pretty whaleish. Here is something I NEVER said while pregnant “I am feeling so damn sexy lets just capture THIS moment forever.” My pregnancy involved lots of things I did NOT want captured on film.
And while Angelina Jolie claims Brad Pitt made her feel “sexy the whole time” she was pregnant I have two things to say: 1. I am not Angelina, and my husband is no Brad and 2. She is full of shit.
I had a hard enough time taking pictures with my clothes on. Thank God for digital – I was deleting at least 8.6 pics for every 10 that were taken. Call me vain. Call me shallow. Call me anti-feminist, but “naked”, “pregnant” and “photo” really don’t belong in one sentence. (Actually, if you talk to Paris Hilton, and a few other overly trusting celebrities the word “naked” and “pictures” alone don’t belong in the same sentence, but I think that is another post entirely. )
So in sum, it was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror for those 3.2 God aweful seconds between disrobing and the shower – why in the WORLD do I want those 3.2 seconds captured on film? For OTHERS to see. Forever.
Mommy Profile #1: “The Doer”
August 6th, 2009
“The Doer”
Favorite line: “I am sooooo busy.” (But said in a way that implies: “I am busier than you. I am so much smarter than you because I kept my corporate career. You have to be a drooling comatose fool to take care of your own kids and not have a “real job”)
Favorite look: Totally inappropriate work clothes at play dates to remind you – SHE is WORKING DAMN IT.
She is great mother because : Her kid never eats ANY sugar, watches TV, plays with anything non-organic, plays in grass for fear of ticks, or even worse GRASS STAINS on her precious pumpkin’s cashmere cardigans. She of course has READ EVERYTHING about parenting and has made a TON of rules YOU should follow. (Of course she has all the time, energy and ability to do this because…..(drum roll)… She is sitting behind her cushy desk as her au pair (who by the way speaks 4 languages, was a trained chef in her native Germany, and of course, is teaching the kids how to play the violin and flute just for fun!!) is taking care of her kids.
Why you continue to be friends with her: You want to be there when her son is arrested or her daughter is caught naked on the internet. Not that you wish these things but she makes you feel like your kids’ potential for success, are equivalent to the chimps at the zoo, and frankly you know parents with “all the answers that take the least responsibility” have the most messed up kids. Besides who else will you borrow “real clothes” from those two nights of the year you go out to a restaurant that does not feature chicken nuggets and french fries with free balloon!?
August 4th, 2009
Mommy Profile #2: “The Martha Stewart Mother”
Favorite Line: “ I would love to go to the Park but I am trying to make sure all the arts and crafts, recipes, and educational program reflects the theme I have created for my children’s play today.”
Favorite Look: Her outfits (and of course her children’s) are never the exact match but just HAPPEN to coordinate perfectly. You can find her in the Gap – getting coordinates for the whole family.
She is great mother because: She grew organic vegetables in her garden, and pureed them for the first 2 years of her children’s life. She has never left them for more than one hour (and only with her mother) and the baby books she has made have novels of inspiration moments and over 5000 pictures capturing those special moments of the first year alone.
Why you remain friends with her: When your kids aren’t reading by the age seven and are waaay behind on their French at age 5 you can be sure she is the one to call for tutoring services. Plus when your ped is unavailable, she knows , by heart, the proper dosage of any over OTC medication, and is a better reference than catalogs as to when Children’s Place Gymboree, and Old Navy runs their sales. In fact, you NEED her because she is the mother you wish you could be, and every once in a while she inspires you to you know..make crafts or some crap like that.
Mommy Profile #3: The Worrier
July 30th, 2009
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Mommy Profile #4: “The Worrier
Her favorite Line “Oh my God I am so worried”. No matter what the problem – be it a splinter or cancer this Mommy is always on the verge of breakdown and rushing to get no where. She worries that a little scab is the start of a flesh eating bacteria, she will NEVER get all the errands done in one day, and the dwindling economy is a sign of the end of the world. Although always in a panic that is no excuse to let her appearance suffer – after all she worries about what people would think too. While she is busy making her self look good, she is also ready to be involved in the classroom, has her kids at hundreds of activities, and is just worried it is not enough.
Her favorite look: Talbots, Ann Taylor, and J. Crew dominate her wardrobe – she is too worried about what people would think if her clothes were trendy, and too worried about money to buy anything more expensive.
She is great mother because: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING escapes her attention. Her children will never develop pneumonia or have an undetected disease because they are at the doctor any sign of illness. She will also be class mother (so you don’t have to) and be happy to discuss what your son’s diaper rash looks like for hours and hours. In fact, she still be worrying about it, even after you.
Why you remain friends with her: Are you kidding me!? She is the 800 hotline every mother wishes for. You can call her day or night, and no matter how insane your worry would seem to a normal person she is right there with you. She can google “fungal infection” and all relevant results within 7.2 seconds flat. Your husband may be telling you you are insane to think that a birthmark that has been there for 5 years is the start of skin cancer but she sees your point and is with you a 150%. She is happy to worry with you, provide a list of specialist in your area, and is happy to take your call at anytime – because it is just a break from whatever she was just worrying about.
Mommy Profile #4: The Downer
July 27th, 2009Mommy Profile #4: The Downer
Her favorite line : “You think that is bad wait til you hear about what happened to ME.” And the ever popular “You’ll see.” Happy about something? Oh no no. Don’t get excited and she is about to tell you why….
Her favorite look: What, do clothes matter? Why wear make up? Why do your hair? You are just going to get old and fat if you aren’t already. She doesn’t even bother now that she is “too old to care”. Your husband is going to have an affair anyway so why even try….(sigh)…..
She is a great mother because: She makes you feel like you are the happiest most easy going mother on the planet. Her children are set because with everything being so pointless, the bar is set low. So low it is silly.
Why you stay friends with her: Sometimes you are not really sure because she is so draining, but every once in a while you see a glimpse of sunshine and feel like a moth to a flame. Her praise actually means so much (because it is so rare) you continue to strive for just ONE more compliment.
Coming Soon…Is it September Yet?! Annual Summer Contest
July 12th, 2009
Spent 6 out of 7 days stuck inside a hotel room with 3 kids on your Florida vacation? Did the suitcases fly off your roof as you cruised down the Parkway for a week at the beach?! You are not alone. Not every summer vaca turns out so …well vacationy. We are putting together prizes now for your pain and suffering. Get ready to tell us your best (or worst!) summer nightmare story and win!
DETAILS COMING SOON…..
