Are You NOT Having Sex with Your Husband?
Posted by Sarah on July 10, 2009 · 4 Comments
We just love studies on relationships and sex! It’s so voyeuristic reading about what 80% of people are SUPPOSEDLY doing.
In a New York Times article (you can read it for yourself here), American couples are having sex 58 times per year. That’s roughly once per week. That’s roughly 58 MORE times than I am!
Wait?? What??? Um yeah! Now you know why I am so into this crap!
Anyway….. apparently this number is a median as there is a wide variation between couples under 30 years of age (111 times per year) and couples over 30 (58 times per year) and then freaks like me (1 per year). Where is my violin. Oh never mind.
Apparently, it’s not so uncommon. “It’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.”
Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?
Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.
There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.
Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.
In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.
I find this very interesting indeed. How about the fact that people let themselves get fat, sloppy and disgusting in the course of their relationships.
Or they get so bored of having sex with each other, they prefer to wash the floors or get a root canal?
Or maybe their man is soo “tapped out” from his daily porn obsession, he is just not “up to” having any more with an actually human being?
Or maybe their man is too selfish to make it satisfying for their woman?
Or maybe both or one person has an intimacy issue and eventually it catches up to their relationship?
Or possibly, there may be an illness or disability or some other physical condition preventing sex?
I’d like to blame my sexless marriage on the 65 pounds I gained from pregnancy that I still haven’t lost 2 years later and on my DH probably hating my guts (figuratively and literally).
What do you think???? Are you in a sexless marriage??? Have you been in a sexless marriage?? How did you resolve it?
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Sarah, you are not alone on this one, especially after having a baby. I have a five-month old and know just how you feel. My breasts are no longer a play toy for my husband, they are stricly for feeding my daughter. My libido is out the window and my flabby stomach is a wreck. I too gained a considerable amount of weight and am working to get it off. It is so incredibly hard to get in the mood…for sex or to work out.
With all that said, I do believe that you absolutely have to get back on the horse. The longer you wait, the more foreign it feels to get back into the swing of things. I’m dealing with that now. At the end of the day, men really don’t care about the sagging boobies and poochy stomachs. They are just thrilled they are getting some. And, a little goes a long way. I’m a firm believer that if you don’t do your “job” at home, sooner or later you’ll get fired.
Now about you. Baby steps (pun intended) on the weight. My aunt gave me a Weight Watchers scale after the birth of my daughter. I know, how brutal is that! However, it is extremely motivating because it tracks the ounces you loose. If you only loose two ounces (1/8 of a pound) you feel like you have made some progress. Going down, even if a little, is a milestone worth bragging about. I’m not sure about you, but my weight effects everything in my life…for better or worse. Take care of yourself and the sex thing will fall into place. Oh, and drink lots of water. I find that when I do actually squeeze in the correct daily amount, the scale drops a few ounces as well.
Katrine from Jane Nation shared your blog with a few of us Janes. I’m going to put a post on our sight for other Janes to chime in.
Best of luck.
Totally with you Caroline on the getting fired comment. I like that metaphor…Very funny.
I will say that that I read in someone’s book -(was it Girlfriend’s Guide or Jenny Mccarthy??) that the entire first year you can pretty much forget about having any interest in sex. The hormones, while you are not pregnant are still so present that the libido is a mess. I thought they were crazy (don’t we ALWAYS think they are all crazy until we are actually pregnant!?) but they are totally right.
In terms of weight, and interest in sex, I am 100% sure it takes a full 10 months to get back to normal. You can torture yourself with running (I preferred running 4 miles a day even though it did nothing) and forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t feel like it but I promise either way – when you hit 10 months or so after having a baby you wake up one day and are….well as normal as you are going to be. LOL
Tell me about it!!!! And the more you wait, the more awkward it gets. I don’t know what’s more awkward – forcing yourself to have sex or not having any at all! Sometimes I feel like if you DONT have sex enough, you almost start to feel your husband is related to you or a roommate of some sort.
But if you force yourself, it can start to feel like some kind of household chore and it probably makes him weary of approaching you in the first place. But regardless, I feel like hormones and gaining atrocious amounts of weight definitely prevents me from feeling “in the mood”! That and a screaming child all day is not a very big aphrodisiac in my book 
I’ve found that if I can just get a day to MYSELF, I feel much more energetic and rejuvenated and frisky! HAHAHA.
I have to comment, and I’m sure fur will fly!
My wife an I have been married 43 years and have two kids.
We haven’t indulged in any sexual activity since our kids were born,
that was about 30 years ago. Wife has had hystericmie, I have low
libdo and E/D . My E/D thing was icing on the cake and off course
the weight gain as you get older helped in the lack of sex.
We are having a great life, we don’t argue or talk about sex, and we get along fine.
A marriage consoler would probably consider us room mates, and he or
she wouldn’t do any good. Consoling would be a waste of time and money.